December 11, 2019

December 11, 2019


They really make writers look like assholes in the movies.  The character who plays the writer is always the has-been, the person who had that one noteworthy book and can’t find it in himself to crank out another with any kind of success.  Something along those lines, anyways.  That’s the formula.  One-hit wonder.

And they’re always struggling financially, and their significant other is mad at them.  They have a drinking problem.  They’re stuck in the past.  Dude, is this going to happen to me?  Maybe I should try again to get a regular job soon.

Also, some of them move into haunted houses.  I don’t need that shit happening, either.



November 26, 2019


For whatever reason, I received an envelope in the mail containing several documents pertaining to my departed mother.  It was from my aunt, one of a few surviving relatives, and the only one who bothers to try and communicate with me at all.  Our communication is sporadic and often forced, but, to her credit, she tries harder than anyone else, and that includes my mother when she was still alive.

Which isn’t saying very much…

I didn’t even know my grandmother’s name.  That’s what kind of secrets my mother kept from me.  She even lied to me about how long she was married and when they were divorced.  It’s just one big drama that keeps unfolding, no matter how much distance I put between myself and them.  They continue to mess with me, even though they are all dead.

And why did my mother change these details?  What did she get out of it?  Was this just an over-correction for all the hurt she endured?  Or did she truly resent me, as the one reminder of the man she despised that she could not discard?

I dunno, man.  Shit like this wears me out.  I’m over here having a nice day, then some unannounced envelope shows up in the mail from an aunt who never really hammered out her guilt or how to handle the maltreated bastard.  In it are death certificates, divorce papers, and a grim reminder of my shitty origin story.  This family keeps pulling me back in, no matter how much I distance myself.

I guess we just see how it all plays out.  This grim parcel has fogged up my mood for the moment, but one glance around this large house filled with toys reminds me once again that I was scooped up and brought indoors.  To continue to resent certain people would be to miss out on enjoying all that has gone right in my life.

That doesn’t mean, however, that these things don’t bring me down.  I’m allowing myself to kinda feel shitty about it all.  I’m just not going to stay that way.  Again, to do so would be to squander this nice situation I am in.

So, fuck it… I guess.  I wish my aunt would communicate a bit more.  Zero plus one equals one, so any communication outside of these awkward and unannounced packages would be an improvement.  But what can you do?  She’s in her sixties.  People love using their age as a reason not to change.  If anything, that is what I continue to draw from my family.  I guess it’s up to me to be the one person who doesn’t turn out so shitty.

No pressure, right?

Girl, you know it’s true,

November 21, 2019


Eating pineapples seems to exacerbate incontinence.

Never drive in dangerous November tornadoes.

Karate is lame.

Let Henry interview Megan, so Edward loses face.

I’ll be loving you,

November 7, 2019


The internet really does bring out our darkest selves.  I watched a video of a mother cat adopting a bunch of ducklings, and was completely shocked to find out how much bitching and arguing people did in the comments.  Furthermore, the number of “down-votes” was staggering.

Who takes the time to do these things?  What kind of person sits there and says fuck this thing and clicks some kind of negative button on an arbitrary website?  Who argues about cats and ducklings with other strangers? 

Jesus, Matthew, are people all really that unhappy?  Pot is fucking legal, and you people are STILL at each other’s throats!  When did you all become just so awful?

I’ve got not solution.  Most of us need the internet.  We don’t need the extra shit, like Facebook, however.  I think eventually there will be an exodus from these things once people finally realize how bad it is all getting.  Reason may take a while to kick in, but it generally does.





People like to brag when they visit some place else.  I live some place else, so I fucking win.


October 11, 2019


When I was ten or eleven years old, I was at a church camp.  I had been picked on all week by this fat kid named Perry Parker, and on our final day I had finally had enough of his crap and I kicked him in the balls.  He doubled over in pain, ultimately falling on the ground while still clutching his family jewels.

A camp counselor saw the aftermath, and ran over to find out what happened.  I explained that Perry had been bothering me, so I kicked him in the nads.  The counselor looked very upset at me, but ordered Perry to get up and forced us to shake hands and drop whatever our disagreement was.  I was OK with the arrangement, truth be told, as I had achieved what I believed was justice.  After all, I got Perry square in the nuts, and I was actually beginning to feel bad.

But the forced truce was not enough.  The counselor ordered us to stand against adjacent trees, and not to move until we were instructed.  Again, I was fine with the arrangement.  This punishment was a mild one, all things considered, and I figured it would all be forgotten very quickly.

However, after a few minutes, Perry began talking trash.  I was a little surprised that he was trying to start up with me again, so I told him to shut his fat mouth.

Oh, right. I forgot to add that Perry was fat.  Anyways…

I told Perry to shut his fat mouth, so he left his tree and came storming over in my direction.  Without thinking, I left my tree and met him halfway so that I could kick him in the balls a second time.  Remember the look on the T-1000’s face when Sarah Conner blew up his torso?  That is exactly the look that was on Perry’s face as he once again doubled over in pain.

I guess the moral of the story is to be careful who you bother.  Maybe the moral is to guard your package.  Honestly, I don’t know.  I don’t even know why I had this random memory.  I just woke up this morning and thought about how I kicked a fat kid named Perry Parker in the cojones twice in the span of five minutes.  Life is weird.

Your Pal,

August 6, 2019


She’s at it again, man.  My fucking weirdo neighbor is frantically wiping off last night’s rain from her truck.

I wish I could get in this woman’s head just for a minute to understand why she is so obsessed with her truck.  I mean, I’d also like to know why the fuck she can’t park it in front of her own house, but I’ve long abandoned conventional logic.  This is the Twilight Zone, and I just sit in my house and tend to my various projects.

I can’t tell you why this woman in particular bothers me.  I cut back caffeine and I’m on the keto diet, so maybe I’m just irritable from not pooping.

Maybe I’ll have some yogurt and a can of diet soda.  That sounds dreadful when I see it written on the page, but something’s gotta give.  Either I poop or I shake off the fog.  I can’t sit around bitching about the people around me all day.  It would be a waste of a perfect rainy day.

That’s all for now, sweet cheeks.


PS – There was supposed to be an umlaut over the u, but I got bored trying to figure out how to do it.  Just use your imagination.

August 1


Four of my plecos died.  I got up to feed everyone, and they were all floating at the top of the pond.

I always knew the mollies were eating the algae wafers, but I didn’t realize they were eating everything.

And since when are the significantly larger plecos unable to speak for themselves?

I don’t know, man.  Having this pond is frustrating.  So many bodies.  The birds just hang out and wait.

I’m pissed about other things, too, but it’s never easy coming outside and finding out that you are responsible for a dead fish.

I guess I’m done bellyaching for the moment.  I think I’m going to go microwave some chicken wings.




I have no idea what the balls people are saying on the internet.  There is an entire parlance, vocabulary, and set of jokes that I am just not privy to.  I’ll watch a video sometimes and get curious about the comments, but when I read some of them not only can I not always understand what is being said, but I cannot for the life of me even fathom where this weird crap comes from.

I had a buddy who bought into ‘internet culture’ when it was new, and I see what it has done to him.  Now he completely exists online, communicating almost exclusively in weird shorthand and using these strange inside jokes as if I too am in on it.  The internet has sanded down his brain and blanded up his personality.

Maybe that’s why you can’t talk to people.  They’ve spent so long now communicating exclusively online and with these weird, ever-shifting vocabularies, and now they have no idea what the building blocks of conversation are.

What a great time to be antisocial.