August 19, 2019

Matthew,

I am having a Charlie Brown day.

I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale as I always do, and my post-keto diet weight gain is not only disappointing, but comically and predictably high.  What took me two weeks to lose took me a weekend to regain, and that’s after coming in all three days well under my calorie count.

When I set out to go round up some food, not only was my first option closed, but my second option literally drove away as I was approaching.  My third option had only a single piece of chicken left, so I simply sighed and returned home empty-handed.  Sometimes it feels like life is a gigantic piss-take, a la The Truman Show.

Now, the day is by no means over, so it can turn around.  I’m telling myself that so I don’t pout for the next several hours.  The CBD I’ve taken is pushing back against the dark cloud that keeps trying to form, so I think I just need to put on my big boy pants and get on with my damn day.

This soup I’ve reheated is so damn gross.  GAH.

Anyways, you spotted dick, I hope you are well.  I hope those milennial gals aren’t beating you up anymore.

Love, Pete

August 9, 2019

Matthew,

This motherfucking sun.

The light wakes me up at six in the morning, no matter what state I’m in.  I’m sure it’s this whack-ass keto diet that’s helping me feel so shitty.  At least I’m thin, right?

The parents are coming over tomorrow.  It was a scheduled unrelated visit, something pertaining to a business venture my wife and her sister are undertaking, but now they are also coming down to congratulate their baby girl and her Caucasian sperm donor.  I could do without these strained visits.  I like her dad just fine, but you know how it goes… not a fan of the moms.

Wait a second.  You don’t.  You absolutely don’t.  You’re still trying to pork as many sad Milennials as you can.   You are such a tool.

Anywyas, at least I’ll be getting some gardening tools from Pops.  He likes what I’m trying to do with the yard.  It’s about the one thing I have going for myself currently.

So, I don’t know, man.  I’m tired and foggy from being woken up by the sun, and I honestly don’t know what I should do with myself at this moment.  I’m trying to hang on to what remains of the inheritance, so I can’t just go skipping around buying shit.  We’ve got some shit to accomplish later today, so I think I can simply coast.  Some last minute yard work will get me out and moving around, but after that I can go back to reading the Torah and JLA in tandem.

Sounds like a winner to me.

Oatmeal,
Pete

August 8, 2019

Matthew,

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.  Always tomorrow.  Things will get done tomorrow.  It’s not fun sitting and waiting.  I quit my job under the assumption that I could make things happen, when in reality I have, since day one, had to wait.  I’m not all that patient of a person.

Being a house husband hasn’t been bad at all, but as it turns out, there’s not much to it.  The house is clean, my wife’s meals are prepped and ready to go, and there is nary a scrap of dirty laundry anywhere in this house.  Even the cat’s litterbox is spotless… alright, maybe not spotless, but you get the point.  It still leaves a ton of down time.

So I’ve pulled away from the electronics and started reading more.  Yeah, I’m using a Kindle, but at least I’m not on “social media” arguing with strangers (or observing the arguments, for that matter).  Besides, there’s very little you can control about the world around you.  It’s better to try and figure out how to make yourself ready for the future.  For those who do have the down time, they should be trying to get a little smarter.

At least life is simple.  I’m not oblivious to that fact.  It’s not going to stay this simple forever, either.  In fact, in the next eight months it will become anything but simple.

More on that later.

Pete

August 6, 2019

Matthew,

She’s at it again, man.  My fucking weirdo neighbor is frantically wiping off last night’s rain from her truck.

I wish I could get in this woman’s head just for a minute to understand why she is so obsessed with her truck.  I mean, I’d also like to know why the fuck she can’t park it in front of her own house, but I’ve long abandoned conventional logic.  This is the Twilight Zone, and I just sit in my house and tend to my various projects.

I can’t tell you why this woman in particular bothers me.  I cut back caffeine and I’m on the keto diet, so maybe I’m just irritable from not pooping.

Maybe I’ll have some yogurt and a can of diet soda.  That sounds dreadful when I see it written on the page, but something’s gotta give.  Either I poop or I shake off the fog.  I can’t sit around bitching about the people around me all day.  It would be a waste of a perfect rainy day.

That’s all for now, sweet cheeks.

Smuches,
Pete

PS – There was supposed to be an umlaut over the u, but I got bored trying to figure out how to do it.  Just use your imagination.

August 1

Matthew,

Four of my plecos died.  I got up to feed everyone, and they were all floating at the top of the pond.

I always knew the mollies were eating the algae wafers, but I didn’t realize they were eating everything.

And since when are the significantly larger plecos unable to speak for themselves?

I don’t know, man.  Having this pond is frustrating.  So many bodies.  The birds just hang out and wait.

I’m pissed about other things, too, but it’s never easy coming outside and finding out that you are responsible for a dead fish.

I guess I’m done bellyaching for the moment.  I think I’m going to go microwave some chicken wings.

Pete

7/25/2019

Matthew,

I have no idea what the balls people are saying on the internet.  There is an entire parlance, vocabulary, and set of jokes that I am just not privy to.  I’ll watch a video sometimes and get curious about the comments, but when I read some of them not only can I not always understand what is being said, but I cannot for the life of me even fathom where this weird crap comes from.

I had a buddy who bought into ‘internet culture’ when it was new, and I see what it has done to him.  Now he completely exists online, communicating almost exclusively in weird shorthand and using these strange inside jokes as if I too am in on it.  The internet has sanded down his brain and blanded up his personality.

Maybe that’s why you can’t talk to people.  They’ve spent so long now communicating exclusively online and with these weird, ever-shifting vocabularies, and now they have no idea what the building blocks of conversation are.

What a great time to be antisocial.

Byeeee,
Pete

7/24/2019

Matthew,

The fish are holding steady now.  After losing something like 80% of the population, the bowls are clean and free of disease, and the fish are happily eating and banging.

Yes, as it turns out, guppies and mollies take their Old Testament charge of going forth and being fruitful very seriously.  I’m scooping out fry nearly every day in order to repopulate a bowl that was devastated by sickness.  I’m not exactly sure how to slow them down, however.  I might have to open my own store.

In other news, you are a bald idiot.  I want to dropkick your genitals and push you down some stairs.

I guess that’s all.  My cat is rifling through the garbage can for chicken bones.  I’m going to have to power bomb his furry ass for stepping out of line.

You are in my heart, Matthew.

Pete