You know what my biggest mistake has been? Certainty. I was so sure of myself when I walked out of that shitty school two years ago. I thought I would start a business, play the stock market, and live happily ever after. I thought I was going to be able to simply transition to independence with only the occasional bump in the road.
I was so sure of myself when I went back home earlier this year as well. I believed that Thailand had made me sharp and strong, so I figured it would be a no-brainer to walk back into the city that spat me out and justify my presence there. I’d find a house and a job, no problem. I had money and I had goals. There was no way I would fail.
Now, I try not to toss that word around too liberally, because I can’t really say that I’ve failed. Have I done any of the things I thought I would? Well, yes and no, but nothing has been the slam-dunk I hoped it would be. Money doesn’t fix very much at all, as it turns out. It merely staves off the bill collectors and keeps the lights on. It doesn’t buy you a clue and it sure as hell doesn’t fast track your growth or maturation.
But what is life without wisdom? Can wisdom ever be attained without hardship? If I was going to grow old, I once reasoned, then I certainly would need to be wise. However, I think anybody who knows anything knows that wisdom comes from cuts and bruises, not from easy days.
Will I be wiser in the coming years? Probably. Actually, yes. I’m sure of it. But what will that mean, exactly? I will be 40 in a matter of weeks, and I have yet to achieve any measure of traction in this life. It’s not like I expect to randomly have my shit together when the calendar rolls over. You can be as diligent you want to be in trying to gain a little piece of the world, and still never get it. Hard work may yield positive results, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll simply jump out of the station you were born into.
So I guess I’m looking forward to another year of uncertainty. That’s the only constant in my life, anyways. I believe these past two years have taught me not to be so sure of myself, and also not to bank on things going well. It has also taught me patience, as my options are so dreadfully limited in this sweltering, confusing jungle.
I guess that’s all. I keep trying to come up with something that wraps it all up and puts a bow on these thoughts, but I’m coming up short. It’s an uncharacteristically overcast day today, and I believe the absence of that otherwise annoyingly abundant sunlight is preventing anything other than rudimentary thoughts and ideas from sprouting. Maybe I should take the hint and go back to watching movies.