19 april 2015


I don’t know why it is so hard for people to believe in an omniscient Creator. I think about this a lot, especially since I have moved here. it just does not make sense that this is all random. think about what it takes to create life. think about how plants, animals and humans multiply. look at all the seemingly unexplained phenomena. look at how our planet completely takes care of itself. the evidence is positively overwhelming that Somebody far more advanced than we are set up this board and wound the clock.

christians have fucked it up for everyone. what was once Plain Truth has been hoarded, chopped, and relayed incorrectly for so long that I almost don’t blame people for being atheists. still, I think atheism is nothing more than a modern trend of spiting the christians in return for their shitty behavior. all will be held accountable for what they have done to damage the Truth, including me.

it’s late, so i’m just putting this idea on paper to lock in what I am feeling. my opinions on the identity of the Almighty may change, but my feelings on the existence of the Almighty never will. hopefully, this isolation and strange chapter of my life will help to cultivate a better person who can one day re-integrate in society and maybe even find his place. until then, these silent hours of reflection and meditation seem to be quite beneficial… when I am not lamenting how bizarre this side of the world really is.

good night,



30 april 2015


I have learned more about God from Dr. Who and Star Trek than twenty years in the Christian church.




November 16, 2015


If the news hasn’t made its way to you yet, my mother has Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer.  She’s in a lot of pain and feels terrible most of the time.  It’s all so sudden, too.  She only received the news a few weeks ago.

On one hand, I am thankful for the ability to patch things up with her.  I do not agree with most of the decisions she made, and I am still very bitter about how I never really had a family.  Suffice to say this is a lot to process.

She’s basically taking chemotherapy so she can see me and my girlfriend before she passes.  That’s such a hard pill to swallow.  It bothers me for so many reasons.

I will be going back to see her soon.  Just like my last visit, knowing that it will most likely be the last time I see her, just like I knew it would be the last time I saw my stepfather… it hurts so much.

I’m a mess right now.  I’ve been a cunt to just about everyone at work.  I beg a little bit of understanding that my emotions are a little off right now.

But I think I was meant to be here.  There are students and parents who value me very much.  I truly believe I am doing good here.  I want to continue here, at least until my girlfriend graduates and we find a place where we can both work.  It is hard to know how we will do that just yet, but I have a job here until I decide to leave.  From there, I can try to get a job wherever she is.

This is tough.  It is so hard to keep my emotions in check.  I’m not exactly known for that anyways.

I just want to live.  I want to start a family with my girlfriend.  I want to continue fixing my family name and sending a new life into the world and putting them ahead.  It is my only real desire anymore.

Pardon the somber tone, Matthew.  Things are just a little tough right now.



December 28, 2015


Everybody is posting their christmas photos online. It is quite depressing. Last year I had a decent Christmas, all things considered. I had to leave the country to cancel my education visa, so I spent an afternoon in the Kuala Lumpur airport in Malaysia. It was nice to reflect on how far I had come while sampling the local fare and eating candy from other countries. However, it was bittersweet.

You see, Matthew, the more successful I become, the more marginalized I am from my family.

It was clear during my visit two weeks ago. I could scarcely recognize my family, and they couldn’t even bring themselves to look me in the eyes. My brother had a little bit of weed, and us getting stoned was the only way to corner him and try to figure out what he wants out of life. My mom was a mess, what with all the terminal cancer and regret, and I still couldn’t say or do the right thing around her to save my miserable life. Same as it ever was.

I had a good Christmas a few years ago with my step-dad’s family. I suppose it was around 2010 or 2011. I drank expensive alcohol, ate expensive food, and pretended like I belonged there. It was rather nice, actually, because everyone was drunk and helped me to feel like I was a part of that side of the family.

There was one other good Christmas when I was twelve years old. We went to Green Bay to visit my mom’s father. My parents were too preoccupied to be jerks, though I do remember my mother and her sister quarreling over something stupid and my stepfather hitting me in the face. However, we visited all sorts of people, ate a lot of food, and I got to hang out with three cute granddaughters of a family friend. It was my only truly memorable Christmas where we came as close as we could to being a family and going through all the prescribed motions.

That’s all I really want, Matthew. Something memorable. Since everybody is already dead or dying, I guess we can just scratch that idea of the family gathered around the fireplace again. I feel a little young for that possibility to be gone.

But my life is good. I’m about to have a smorgasbord of leftover street food, then follow it up with some roasted coffee beans from Kenya straight from the French press. I’m gainfully employed, I’m in decent shape, I feel pretty healthy, and I have a great girlfriend. Aside from a functional family, I couldn’t really ask for much more.

So now that the sedative I took earlier is kicking in, I’m going to bring this missive to a close and grade some midterms.

Stay hydrated,