2007

#61

 

January 22, 2007

Matthew,

Have you seen my husband? I came home from work last night and all the lights were off and the children were gone. The only thing out of place was a skateboard laying in our front yard. No note, no explanation of any kind. Just a skateboard. And I know for a fact judging by how he is in bed that his fat ass isn’t coordinated enough to use a skateboard, so I want to know what the hell is going on. He tells you more than he tells me, so I know for a fact you know where he is and who he is with.

Don’t make this difficult on me. Just give me his whereabouts so I can make sure the children are ok. You can keep my husband. I think this is the last time he is ever going to pull this shit with me.

Regards,

Samantha McCollum

#66

 

January 28, 2007

Matthew,

If I could have one super power of my choice, I would pick the ability to make anyone crap their pants. I can’t think of a single situation where it wouldn’t be useful: at work, out on the town, school, church, the emergency room. I could be like a hit man, taking money in exchange for “contract crappings:” bullies, business rivals, ex-lovers, lovers, clergymen, evil dictators. Of course, I would have to set aside time for pranks as well: marriage proposals, American Idol auditions, people who just got finished taking a dump. Naturally, this kind of ability wouldn’t exactly make me a “superhero” per se, but to hundreds of thousands of people, I would be “the guy who made [insert name] crap their pants.”

Love,

Pete

 

#68

 

January 31, 2007

Matthew,

When I think about you, I touch myself. I’m in biology class and I’m touching myself under my desk. Oh yeah. Feels great. Touch touch touch. You light my fire, Matthew.

Pete

#70

 

February 2, 2007

Matthew,

Today school is closed because of snow. I work at the school, so I have no class and I don’t have to go to work. I’m going to take this cardboard sign that I have and slide down my driveway on it. That sounds pretty fucking sweet.

I had leftover barbecued ribs and an energy drink for breakfast. That was pretty fucking sweet, too. This day is going to be pretty fucking sweet.

Your pretty fucking sweetheart,

Pete

#84

 

February 25, 2007

Matthew,

Some days all there is to eat is tilapia. On those days, you eat that fucking tilapia and you eat it with a smile on your face.

Your aunt,

Pete

#86

 

February 27, 2007

Matthew,

I realized something today: I am a complete idiot.

Call me,

Pete

#127

 

April 14, 2007

Matthew,

Today is the big day: Sabado Gigante on Telemundo. Do I even need to say any more? I’m going to get some tacos and a piñata. It’s Sabado, Matthew. You have to cut loose like Don Francisco. Dance a little. Sing a song about toothpaste. Steal the Chacal’s trumpet and smack the dancers on the booty.

Ole,

Pete

#162

 

June 29, 2007

Matthew,

I love public transportation. Today I argued with a Jewish man about beauty. He was ogling over a young girl in a bathing suit, and asked me what I thought of her. I told him as a man of faith he should be ashamed of himself for lusting after the girl, after which he spent the rest of the ride trying his best to defend himself.

“I was just saying she’s pretty,” he reasoned, but I had already turned away. I didn’t need to say anything else. I had just challenged his entire belief system, and now he was stammering carelessly, left with the grim realization that God just heard what he said and knew what he was thinking. That’s just funny. Of all the people in savannah who ride the bus, he tried to strike up a conversation with a guy who will argue about anything for no reason at all.

I think I am going to ride the bus again tomorrow.

Pete

 

#186

 

November 28, 2007

Matthew,

I am pleased to announce that I have purchased a laptop computer.  It was a rather impulsive purchase, but I did need a computer for school so Christmas came a little early for me.  Since nobody else gets me anything I figure I owe it to myself.

I am also pleased to announce that I am writing this letter from my bathroom.  Words cannot do justice to the freedom I feel from this magical force they call wireless internet.  Sometimes my schedule is too busy for me to stop and take a dump, but now I will never have to worry about that again.

I can feel the freakin Dow Jones rising just from my increased productivity…

I think I might be here a while, so I’m going to click over to the BBC and get some news.  That way if my political science teacher asks us what’s going on in the world in class tomorrow, I will be right on top of it.

I treasure these talks, Matthew.  You are in my heart always.

Season’s greetings,
Pete

#187

 

December 2, 2007

Matthew,

It’s haiku time once again.  Hold on to your jock strap.

Christmas
It’s Christmas again
just a yearly reminder
my family sucks

Christmas memories, part one
When I was seven
I asked for a transformer
And got a Go-Bot

Christmas memories, part two
Well, son of a bitch
My Go-Bot’s arm just fell off
And I just got it!

My Christmas wish
I want you, Matthew
Under my Christmas tree
Covered in ribbons

Tell your mom it’s never too late.  Tell her I’m in college now.  Tell her I’m responsible.

Your Easter bunny,
Pete