2006

#18

 

November 30, 2006

Matthew,

Today I beheld a very sorry sight. In the corner of my study room was a table with three neatly arranged bibles on it covered in dust. If a person cares enough to own three bibles, they should never be allowed to gather dust.

I am genuinely ashamed…

Pete

#22

 

December 4, 2006

Matthew,

People don’t know how to react when I tell them that I am writing a book. I don’t think very many people even care when I tell them, either. You see, writing a book is not remarkable to many people. It doesn’t really bother me if they don’t think it will work, but at least respect the fact that I am trying to make a contribution to the literary world.

I sneezed just now and blood spattered all over this page. I’m not really sure what that means.

Have a good day,

Pete

#29

 

December 11, 2006

Matthew,

I have come to the conclusion today that I need a girlfriend with money. The past two months I have spent in school without having a job have been great, and I am not very excited about having to work while I am in school and trying to write a book. I figure a nice older girlfriend with money would straighten that right out. A girl who believes in my madness and will let me stay and home and do my writing without giving me any grief about “chasing a dream” or “putting food on the table.”

After much consideration, I have determined that your aunt Katie is the perfect girl for me. She is older, more mature and already established, and I’m pretty sure that she is about ready to have a younger boyfriend with artistic hopes and dreams. I think that is where we will hit it off. She is an artist, too, so I know she will be able to relate to the time and space that is required for a person to create.

We would have the perfect relationship, Katie and I. The kids have already moved out, she lives nice and close to Atlanta, my favorite city, and she already has her own thing going for her. All I would basically be doing is writing me into her script. We could spend time together when time allowed, and we would probably enjoy it a whole lot more. Not to mention I know she loves too cook. I would let her cook for me any time she wanted to, and I would pat my belly and belch thankfully every time she did it. Don’t ever take a girl who cooks for granted, Matthew. They’re a dying breed. Your aunt Katie is one of the good ones.

Plus, wouldn’t it be cool if I married into your family and became your uncle? I would actually be doing you a favor. I know you hate your little family gatherings, and if I married your aunt Katie, you wouldn’t cringe anymore when you had to go to them. You would just be thinking to yourself, “man, at least uncle Pete is going to be there.”

So here’s what I need from you. When you get a chance, send me her number. In the mean time, I’d like you to give her a call and let her know that it’s about time she started thinking about her future. Let her know that younger guys are where it’s at, and let her know that you have the perfect one picked out for her. And if she asks “is it Pete,” you tell her YES, and tell her why.

Your homeboy,

Pete

#30

 

December 12, 2006

Matthew,

I found a letter in your pants pocket today while I was washing your clothes. Who is Jessica? She seems like a really nice girl in the letter…

You can forget about Christmas. I’m not going anywhere with you.

All this time I actually believed that you had a second job. All that talk just yesterday about me being the only one. I can’t believe that I let you lie to me so much.

No more lies, Matthew. Just get out of my life. Go and tell your lies to little Jessica. I hope she gives you Chlamydia.

You have until I get home from work to have all your crap moved out of my apartment or it’s all going to the Salvation Army.

You are a liar and a piece of crap, and I hope that your children will all look like that guy Sloth from The Goonies.

I hate you,

Pete

#35

 

December 17, 2006

Matthew,

Sometimes a misunderstanding is never resolved. I don’t want to live a life of unresolved misunderstandings.

Pete

#46

 

December 28, 2006

Matthew,

I know now that I am dying. My strength is gone, I sleep most of the time, and I get explosive diarrhea about ten times a day.

You can have my cds when I die. Most of your music sucks, so this is the least I can do for an old friend. Please give Minor Threat another try. Consider it a dying man’s last request.

See you in the Great Beyond,

Pete

#48

 

December 30, 2006

Matthew,

I am lethargy. I am counter productivity. I am the idea that sounded good. I am time wasted. I am time lost. I am memories of nothing. I am the perpetual fog. I am all. I am nothing. I am the state of denial. I am the margin of error. I am gone for weeks without ever moving. I am a step away from solving it all and it has driven me mad.

Glad to see you go,

Pete