Matthew,

To where marriage changed my perspectives, expecting a child has ultimately calmed me down.

I still wasn’t all that calm after being married.  Sure, I thought about “us” instead of “me,” but I was still incredibly uptight and had a lot of residual angst from that horrible teaching gig that lasted three years but aged me a decade.  Now, I’m finally cooling off about all of that shit.

There’s too much to think about to be worried about my own needs.  I’m here with a house full of toys and a bank account that tells me I’m doing just fine.  There’s far too much to consider that doesn’t have anything to do with me, so I need to simply disregard any minor discomfort I feel and prep myself for the endeavor that will basically last for the rest of my life.

Yesterday was our yearly trip to immigration for my marriage visa, and following that I had some important things to take care of at my bank.  Between traffic, annoying expats, and a teller who I swear my wife was about to slap, I somehow kept my cool through it all.  I had a few choice words for some moments of which I did not approve, but overall I give myself a firm A- for holding my shit together.

Why?  Because my wife doesn’t need the stress.  It’s not like I was any less disgusted with how people carry themselves.  It’s not like I didn’t notice the teller being rude to my wife.  It’s not like I didn’t notice the new middle class treating the waitresses like shit at the restaurant.  It’s just that there are bigger things to think about, and my wife doesn’t need negative words coming into her ears at all hours of the day.

And again, my life is great.  I think about all the people I left behind, and I realize I am doing better than pretty much all of them.  I have my worries and I still have a student loan to pay off, but my life is remarkably free of complications as I wait for whatever comes next.  Never mind the bitching I do about Thailand.  There’s enough right with the situation, otherwise I wouldn’t still be here.  I’ve got my pond, my garden, my cat, and a shitload of books.  Most of all, I have seclusion and silence.  Those last two things have probably expedited both healing and growth.

Besides, it was time for me to cool off.  I’m pushing 40.  I can’t always smoke a joint when the pressure is on.  I need to be able to weather a little more than just the occasional mishap.  I need to be able to get out into a situation that I know will be shitty, just like yesterday, and I need to be able to push through it.  Then, when I push through, I need to finish off the day prepping for the next one instead of plopping down and lamenting how frustrating everything was.

Hopefully I can have more repeat performances of yesterday.  I mean, I’d rather not have to endure that kinda shit all that much, but it’s nice to know my skin has gotten thicker and the amount of thinking I do before I speak has improved.

That’s why I ain’t doing SHIT today, cuz.

And it is a reward well-earned.

For once.

Your darling,
Pete

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