Sh*t I like #1 – PC Games

I was a PC gamer long before I got into video games.  It always felt like video games were never really designed for me, as my hand-eye coordination was always quite bad.  I remember watching my friends play Super Mario Brothers and saying to myself “Well, that’s nice,” and basically resigning to be a viewer rather than a player after a few failed attempts.

However, I met Mitch Ladson in first grade and discovered computer games, and that was very much a turning point for me.  These games gave you time to think.  These games relied more on logic and thinking and deduction, all rather than a quick decision.  Sure, there were games out there like Airborne Ranger that were arcade-style and not my speed, but for the most part I found that computer games were far superior.

I still find that to be the case today, although in recent days I have become more of a video gamer.  My loyalties will always be with the PC, however, and I wish like hell it didn’t become so accessible to everyone.  I enjoyed being one of the elite few who enjoyed that secret world.

Anyways, if you’re still here after that not-so-subtle cheap shot, these are the games that have impacted me the most, in no particular order:

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

I had to open with this classic, because it is my first love.  By this point, I can play it by memory, too, as I have gone through the game hundreds of times and know most of the material by heart.  While I am also a huge fan of Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?, this game was the one that made me fall in love with computer gaming (and solidified my love of random facts as well).

The game was unique in many ways.  It was a detective game cleverly masked as a series of history and geography lessons, as well as a tutorial for how to use an encyclopedia.  It even came with a funny little dossier of the criminals you were hunting.  I kinda had a thing for Dazzle Annie…

You basically travel the world looking for criminals who have stolen ridiculous things (if memory serves, one criminal was able to hijack the sphinx from Egypt).  Question different informants to find where the criminal is headed, and also gather information of the suspect’s physical description to get a warrant from HQ.  A fun, compact game that can be played in small segments.

And, BOY, how the world has changed since this game’s first release!  I guess you wouldn’t know what I mean if you haven’t played it recently.

Sword of the Samurai

If you’re not familiar with the previous entry, you’re definitely not gonna know this one.  A simple, 8-bit style game with very simple gameplay, Sword of the Samurai revolves around one man trying to become shogun in feudal Japan.  You form up your army, you practice your swordsmanship, and you go to neighboring territories and try to provoke your rivals by telling them that they are a coward whose ancestors hauled dung.

Oh, and you look for a wife, of course… who always seems to be captured by waterfall bandits.

For all its simplicity, Sword of the Samurai is still a well-concealed history lesson.  It shows how a peasant could rise up in society, and it also demonstrated how you had to play politics with the people around you (even if they get a little froggy and try to raid your territory).

Sometimes, it is best to use restraint instead of seeking revenge.  Sometimes, it is best to let your neighbors get attacked.  While this game seems simple, your decisions actually very directly affect the outcome of your scenario.  The game is quite complex for how little there is to it.

The game difficulty can be altered greatly based on the territory you choose.  There is never a guarantee that you can make it to the end, either.  Sometimes your rivals are just too aggro and they won’t stop invading you or trying to kidnap people from your home.  Sometimes it is not about a decision you made, you just get a bad roll.  On those times, go out there and talk smack about everybody’s ancestors and kidnap a few people just to show them who’s boss.  It is unusually satisfying.

Simple controls, a bit of a strategic element, and a system that revolves largely around luck, Sword of the Samurai hearkens a simpler time in PC gaming.

Sid Meier’s Pirates!

Ahoy, mateys!  This game is ridiculously fun, and I still play it regularly.  When I was a teenager, I played the updated, i.e. VGA version, and not the incredibly dull-colored CGA version, and that will always be the superior rendition to me.  Yes, I played the X-Box version as well.  It didn’t stink nearly as much as I thought it would (I own the Steam port of it, too).

For this game, there is quite a bit of variety in what you can do.  You can join a legendary pirate crew, or you can start from one of the historical eras of privateering.  Try to accumulate as much treasure and prestige as possible among the colonies, or simply sink every ship you find and keep paying bribes to the governor to keep yourself out of trouble.

If you want the full experience, start a crew and align yourself with either the English or the French (or both).  Hack and slash and burn and pillage the Spanish settlements in an attempt to make your home country the dominant presence in the Spanish main.  You also have a series of side quests to find your kidnapped family (and I mean your ENTIRE family), and a successful recovery can lead you to an even bigger pile of gold awaiting you in a fabled lost city.

I used to cheat and keep reloading the game until it gave me a portion of the map I recognized, then rolled out to that area and grabbed the gold.  The computer would then reset the quest.  Sometimes you could get away with it two or three times.

This is another game that solidified to me that PC gaming is superior, as there is a significant amount of strategy involved if you want to play it right.  I prefer to start a game at the very beginning of the timeline as a Dutch privateer for maximum challenge.

Sim Farm

One year, I asked my parents for Sim Earth, as I had read about it in a magazine.  The guy at Babbages apparently informed my parents that I might have been a little too young for it, so he suggested Sim City instead.  I liked the game just fine, I suppose, though I did not at all comprehend what I was doing.  I simply started a new game, used the money cheat, and let the computer spit out all the consequential natural disasters before I started building.

A few years later, however, my little brother purchased Sim Farm, and I was almost immediately hooked.

The premise is simple:  you take out a bank loan and try to create a successful farm.  There’s not much to this game, really.  You can raise livestock and grow crops.  That’s pretty much it.  Make sure your animals don’t starve and try to keep the quality of your crops up by warding them off against bugs and disease.  The neighboring town seems to grow as your homestead grows, so you basically play until it becomes a pain to manage and you start over.

Strawberries, people.  Take out the biggest loan you can, plant strawberries in February, buy a bunch of horses, and reap the reward.

King’s Quest 6

What a franchise, people.  God bless the good people at Sierra for cranking out so many wonderful games.

While you can’t help but wonder why evil wizards keep picking on this one family, King’s Quest 6 took the newly-introduced elements of voice-acting and not having to type in commands from the previous game, and made what is arguably the best game in the series.  Yes, I know that typing commands is what made the game challenging in the first place, but you would have to be a member of MENSA to beat that first game.  I’m not even kidding.

Big thanks, by the way, to ADG Interactive, the passion project that remade the first three.  That was a lifetime achievement for me, beating the first King’s Quest.

Prince Alexander finds himself whisked away to a small cluster of islands, and, like all of the games from that era, has to solve a series of puzzles involving logic, puns, and the manipulation of common items found on the ground.  Light-hearted and a great deal of fun, this game also has two paths that you can take:  the so-so ending and the ending that brings you to tears.

Witty characters, tons of punny solutions, and the ability to complete the game in a couple of different ways makes this game incredibly special.

Girl in the toooooowerrrrr…   *sniff*

Quest for Glory 1, a.k.a Hero’s Quest

The first release of Quest for Glory was very much like King’s Quest, in that it involved the typing of commands.  However, a combat element was added to make it a little different from its predecessors.  Just like the previous entry, I’ve never played any of the originals where you type in commands, but I have beaten this game with every character, the first time coming up only a few points shy of a perfect score.

The land of Spielberg has a bandit problem.  Actually, it has a bandit / witch / monster problem, and they are hiring a hero to set things right.  Following a lot of the same pun-laden humor common to Sierra games, you manipulate items to solve certain puzzles, travel around a small map to try and find the sources of Spielberg’s woes, and encounter the fierce and capricious Antwerp.  However, there’s an added RPG element, as you character is able to gain levels and even cross-train certain skills.  You will need to have your stats higher by the end of the game, as the enemies get tougher as you progress deeper into the story.

The combat system is a bit janky and predictable, but it is easy to master.  Furthermore, if you want to head out into the spooky forest with more strength and stamina, just climb the tree outside of the city.

Another interesting aspect of this game is that it allows you upon completion to import your character to future games.  Unfortunately Quest for Glory 2 was a bit of a mess.  I’ve attempted it several times, and the mapping system kills me.  I’ve read that the next ones in the series were better.  In fact, ADG Interactive has done a remake of the third.

Choose between a fighter, a wizard, or a thief, and set out for adventure.  With a few unique elements to each story line, the replay value is incredibly high.

Dungeon Hack

It is what it says it is, friends.  Think Wolfenstein meets Dungeons and Dragons, and that’s pretty much it.  Nothing flashy here.

While you have the option to play as many different classes, this is a simple first person dungeon crawl.  Why I love this game so much defies logic, as there is very little depth or variety.  It’s just a randomly generated dungeon with foes that meet you head-on.  There are a few puzzles here and there, and you can make the game harder by implementing added obstacles.

Other than that, there isn’t much to it.  I know that I haven’t sold this one very well, but I happen to like the game a lot.  This was what was available at Richard Pape’s house when I hung out there after school, so I am wildly biased.

Just play as the Cleric / Mage, and fire up those Spiritual Hammer spells.

Warcraft 2

What can I say about this game that hasn’t already been said?  This game is among the most influential games of the modern era, and would soon lead to that unfortunate breakthrough where PC games became accessible to the same assholes who used to pick on me for playing PC games.

I’m not bitter.

Anyways, to where the first installment introduced something new, fresh, and amazing (if you didn’t have the attention span for Sid Meier’s Civilization), the second installment absolutely nailed it.

With a solid storyline behind it, Warcraft 2 endeared itself with so many people for its use of expansions and mods to keep the game interesting.  It may not have been the first, but it was certainly the best.

Baldur’s Gate 2

If you haven’t played this one… GOOD.  Leave it be!  This is OUR GAME.  I don’t care if you liked Skyrim.  Screw that game.  That’s not how the franchise was supposed to turn out!

Sorry.  I’m better now.  My snobbery kicks in with this one as well, because everybody enjoyed the later games on the Playstation and X-Box, and they have no idea where the games come from.  Some of us have paid our dues!  I’m talkin’ ’bout Pool of Radiance, Hillsfar, and Menzoberranzan.  What-choo know about THAT???

To where the first game was buggy and a little unclear at times, Baldur’s Gate 2 had so many extras to it that it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve gone through it.  And just like the previous entry, people are still making mods.  I just started a new game yesterday with a hundred tiny mods added on, and my gameplay experience is already drastically different (and a lot more exciting).

You pick up where the previous game left off, a demigod who is searching for answers of their origins and why they are being hunted.  With dozens of sidequests to help your character buff up and get some incredible gear, you can also recruit a myriad of different personalities to help you on your quest.  While it doesn’t exactly pay to be evil in this game, it certainly has its own rewards.

Fun sidequests, witty banter that often leads to banging, and a big enough variety of spells, weapons, and classes to always keep it interesting, Baldur’s Gate 2 is a modern classic, one that will probably never be outdone.


Comic Blog #1: “I, Joker”

Today, I am going to be talking about I, Joker, a Batman Elseworlds one-shot.

Alternate universes, story lines, or character origins are nothing new to DC.  Alternate versions of Superman date all the way back to the 1940s with a series called Imaginary tales, while multiverse and character variations were introduced as early as the 1960s.  Ever since then, stories have been appearing outside of the traditional, understood canon, many of which remain incredibly popular to this day.

Elseworlds is DC’s most storied version of these alternate story arcs.  The premise of the Elseworlds series is to provide a fresh take on familiar characters, often altering key events or placing them in entirely different situation.

Sometimes, they change a character’s origin.  One Superman story, aptly entitled Red Son, has Kal-El’s spacecraft not landing in rural America, but in communist Russia.

Sometimes, an Elseworlds tale changes a small detail about the universe.  In JLA: The Nail, a Justice League is formed without Superman, as he was never discovered by the Kents because they had a flat tire that day (again, an exceedingly clever name).

In other cases, Elseworlds can meld two characters.  In Batman: In Darkest Night, Bruce Wayne is selected by Abin Sur to carry the power ring that has traditionally gone to Hal Jordan.  That’s right, Batman becomes Green Lantern.

Another variety of Elseworlds story may alter the strength or influence of a character.  In Elseworld’s Finest:  Supergirl and Batgirl, a despotic and paranoid Barbara Gordon takes the place of Batman and puts Gotham on a state of lockdown after her parents are murdered by Joe Chill.

Gotham by Gaslight, the first in the Elseworlds series, uses another kind of world alteration by simply moving the time period in which a character is born.  This particular story finds Batman making his crime-fighting debut during the time of Jack the Ripper.

But I think you get the picture.

Elseworlds stories can be a lot of fun, especially when the traditional babyface vs. heel story line can get a bit tiresome.  Perhaps that’s why I like this particular story so much.  Not only does it flip the Batman story upside down, but it still manages to pay respect to the source material.

The story opens in a dark, dystopic Gotham (as if Gotham wasn’t already dark and dystopic as it was already).  A strange cult has taken hold of the city, and once a year they hold a macabre ritual known as the “Night of Blood.”  During this event, a Batman-esque figure, known as “The Bruce,” takes to the streets to ritually slaughter living effigies of his foes of yesteryear.  Re-creations of The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler, Two-Face, and Ra’s al-Ghul are all set loose in the city, where they are killed to symbolize the cleansing and order that The Bruce has brought to their city.

During these hunts, the public is welcome to participate.  In a twisted mockery of justice and what Batman once stood for, they all wear various versions of Batman’s traditional outfit, and are given the chance to join in the hunt.  Any who are brave (or crazy) enough to participate in the hunt are also promised that they could become The Bruce if they dethrone the current one in a fight to the death.  It has been 30 years since this ritual began, however, and a seemingly invincible bat-figure seems to have no competition (though he is well into his 90s).

How, you ask?  Medical enhancements.  A doctor named Klibon has been keeping The Bruce alive through surgical procedures.  Klibon is also responsible for the yearly sacrifices.  Each replica of the long-gone villain is surgically created by people whom The Bruce (or the cult) has captured.  Their memories are erased, their appearances altered, and they are strapped into vehicles and set loose to be slaughtered.

The whole event is a farce, of course.  The event is rigged to keep The Bruce as the central figure.  Though anybody can supposedly become The Bruce, the contest heavily favors him.  There are too many people in on the ritual, including Dr. Klibon and “The Gordon,” another mockery of a figure from the days of yore.

This year’s Night of Blood will be featuring a man who was captured trying to infiltrate the Batcave, the base of operations for The Bruce and headquarters for the twisted cult.  He is surgically transformed into this year’s Joker, and set loose on the day of the hunt.

However, this Joker, a man named Joe Collins, seems to still possess his own memories.  As it turns out, Klibon has grown tired of the ritual and the cult, and decided to give one of the combatants a fighting chance by not wiping their memory.

As Collins begins to piece together the events leading to his predicament, he returns to the Batcave, where he discovers a message from the real Bruce Wayne.  In the message, Wayne implores any who are watching to take up his mantle and see to it that justice and order is maintained.  Upon hearing the message, Collins digs out one of the real Batman’s old suits, and sets out to square off with The Bruce.


Dark, gritty panels, sharply-drawn lines, and overly-exaggerated features add just the perfect emphasis to this grim and dystopic universe.  The comic pulls a double-duty, as it  projects both a post-Batman world as well as a Gotham that is seemingly in its own universe due to how insane the population has become.  It reminded me a lot of the sequel to The Crow in that regard, as the people had long abandoned any sense of reason, though they still cling to the speck of a memory where there was some semblance of order in their world.

There are better Elseworlds comics out there, to be sure.  However, this story resonates with me because it walks that line of altering the canon and staying true to the original story.  Case in point, it closes with Collins and his girlfriend assuming the roles of Batman and Robin in an attempt to regain control over Gotham.


August 6, 2019


She’s at it again, man.  My fucking weirdo neighbor is frantically wiping off last night’s rain from her truck.

I wish I could get in this woman’s head just for a minute to understand why she is so obsessed with her truck.  I mean, I’d also like to know why the fuck she can’t park it in front of her own house, but I’ve long abandoned conventional logic.  This is the Twilight Zone, and I just sit in my house and tend to my various projects.

I can’t tell you why this woman in particular bothers me.  I cut back caffeine and I’m on the keto diet, so maybe I’m just irritable from not pooping.

Maybe I’ll have some yogurt and a can of diet soda.  That sounds dreadful when I see it written on the page, but something’s gotta give.  Either I poop or I shake off the fog.  I can’t sit around bitching about the people around me all day.  It would be a waste of a perfect rainy day.

That’s all for now, sweet cheeks.


PS – There was supposed to be an umlaut over the u, but I got bored trying to figure out how to do it.  Just use your imagination.

August 1


Four of my plecos died.  I got up to feed everyone, and they were all floating at the top of the pond.

I always knew the mollies were eating the algae wafers, but I didn’t realize they were eating everything.

And since when are the significantly larger plecos unable to speak for themselves?

I don’t know, man.  Having this pond is frustrating.  So many bodies.  The birds just hang out and wait.

I’m pissed about other things, too, but it’s never easy coming outside and finding out that you are responsible for a dead fish.

I guess I’m done bellyaching for the moment.  I think I’m going to go microwave some chicken wings.