July 22, 2017
I think it’s time I finally forgave my mother.
Looking at where I am and what I have, she came through in the end. She had her shit together and she helped her boys get a little farther down the road.
Would I rather have my mother than the money? No, I wouldn’t. I don’t know if that’s because things remain yet unresolved within me, but I just don’t want her back. I could never be myself when she was alive.
And there it is: the whole truth. Even this series of letters was composed in the beginning with the idea that one day she may discover them and be disappointed in me. Without my parents, there is literally nobody left to disappoint.
That doesn’t mean I can’t forgive her.
It’s time to let my anger go. I’ve lived well this year thanks to her. I’ve lived better than I ever have. She’s paid for my wedding, she’s paid off a lot of my bills, and she has given me a better quality of life.
In the end, my mother was a hero. I could only hope to be a hero of that magnitude to my own child one day.