Sasi and I were at the mall today. We were at the New Balance store and I was trying on a pair of shoes, when out of the corner of my eye I can see a white dude and his Thai wife eyeing the store from just outside. My heart dropped a little when they entered. The man was talking loudly, and he looked like he was trying his best to be seen and heard.

The white guy was visibly impatient. There was only one sales associate at that time, and he was helping me when the white dude came in.  But the white guy kept trying to get the sales associate’s attention. I wondered to myself if he was being a dick or if he was truly just self-centered and dumb. Regardless, the guy retreated to the front of the store after unsuccessfully engaging the sales associate.

The sales associate helped me with two different pairs of shoes. I took them to the counter. The sales associate started trying to tell me about how many points I had on my One Card. I told him to use all my points, so he got on the phone to try and set up the transaction. Up came the white guy holding out one of the model shoes from the display rack. The sales associate rested the phone on his shoulder and proceeded to fetch the box for the impatient man. Apparently satisfied, the white guy sauntered back over to the front of the store to try on the shoes.

Oh my goodness THANK YOU LORD.

I thought for a minute he was going to try and talk to me. Please don’t talk to me, sir.

But just as I had turned to face the sales associate and put this annoying situation behind me, the white dude spoke:

“So those are the ones you’re going with?” he asked gruffly. I turned, and he motioned to the new pair of shoes I was wearing out of the store.

I offered him a short answer, and then turned to the counter. The sales associate told Sasi something about my points not being accepted, and then asked if I wanted to try again. I figured he got something wrong because he was distracted by this impatient white dude, so I declined. Even if that was not the case, I was just ready to go.

The sales associate began to calculate my total when the white dude walked up to the counter and faced me.

“So what do you think about all these hearings?”

Son of a bitch.

I gave short answers once again, trying my best not to even be partisan on the matter. He said something about MSNBC, so I figured there was a chance he wasn’t a member of a radical faction. Still, I wanted to leave. I don’t care what you think. You’re rude. You’re pushy. You’re not gonna get your way with me. You’re not gonna force me into shooting the shit with you because you’re lonely.

But the trap had been set.

His Thai wife started chatting up Sasi like they were old roommates. Every time I turned to see if we could get out of there, Sasi would tell me something else about the couple.

Hey, these guys are from Chonburi! Chonburi, cool. Yeah, I used to work in that city.

So then I turned to face the white dude again.

“Yeah it’s all going down hill.” Word, man. It is. Holy effing shit it completely is. And I totally did not expect you to say those exact words, either.

I turned to see where Sasi was in her interaction.

She works close to where I work. Wow. Small world, yo. Can we leave?

I turned to the white dude again.

“I’m originally from Canada. Just living off my retirement.” He hinted as being a roadie for bands. He tried to repeat it in different ways when it didn’t get the reaction he was looking for. But I wasn’t biting. I don’t give a crap what bands you carried speakers for. My shoes have been purchased. You’re a penis. Keep your stories.

I turned to Sasi, and my exact greatest fear was realized.

I nearly burst a blood vessel in one of my eyes when saw it. Sasi was smiling at me so sweetly, too. I gasped in horror, however, as I watched the gals pull out their phones. I saw Sasi firing up the trusty Line Application, where she would be adding yet another person to her list of people she will never see again.

I turned back to the guy, who was talking with a female sales associate who had just come in. Perfect. He’s distracted. Now let’s get out.

But the guy’s wife wanted to talk to me about writing a book. Alright, Sasi, that’s two strikes for you. I had to stumble through conversation with the Thai wife. It was annoying.

Can we go now?

Nope. We had to do the one thing that destroys a clean break: we exchanged names.

The dude had a weird name, too. It matched his blandness and the dumbness of his face. I think it was something like Clertch. Clert? Gortch? It was something weird like that.

AND THEN… we did the OTHER thing I didn’t want to do: We made an empty promise to visit if we are ever in town.

Yeah, lady. I want to drink your husband’s shitty beer and listen to his stories while he shows me autographed shit I will never, ever care about. He probably has a hunting bow collection or something equally masculine and stupid. I also want to see your dumb little Pomeranians who yap every time one of us makes a sudden movement. We have so much in common.

But then, the transmission was finally broken. I don’t know how the break was finally made, but I made it little secret that I was more than ready to go. I dashed out of the store, my frustration now forgotten in the face of this second chance at life.

As we rounded the corner and certainly out of earshot of the couple, I finally just blurted it out:

“Holy shit those people sucked!”

Sasi just laughed about it, but I was pissed for a few minutes afterwards. Those guys made us do the whole friggin’ dance, too. The trap was so well executed.

Which was a little weird, by the way, because the man tried to come off as an Alpha to a store clerk who was way too young to be even remotely receptive to this behavior. After he tried more than once to talk with me, it was clear the dude really did want to have a chat. He looked socially needy. It was kinda sad.

But I just don’t care. There is no rule that says we have to chat you up. We’re not going to find common ground. You know what it takes just to get to this damn mall. You know we must have other shit to do.

Anyways, I’ll leave it at that. I could go into the reasons I don’t like expats and these kinds of couples, but just like earlier the point is moot. I just hate that we were so effectively flanked like that. It was some stone cold bullshit.

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