November 16, 2015


If the news hasn’t made its way to you yet, my mother has Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer.  She’s in a lot of pain and feels terrible most of the time.  It’s all so sudden, too.  She only received the news a few weeks ago.

On one hand, I am thankful for the ability to patch things up with her.  I do not agree with most of the decisions she made, and I am still very bitter about how I never really had a family.  Suffice to say this is a lot to process.

She’s basically taking chemotherapy so she can see me and my girlfriend before she passes.  That’s such a hard pill to swallow.  It bothers me for so many reasons.

I will be going back to see her soon.  Just like my last visit, knowing that it will most likely be the last time I see her, just like I knew it would be the last time I saw my stepfather… it hurts so much.

I’m a mess right now.  I’ve been a cunt to just about everyone at work.  I beg a little bit of understanding that my emotions are a little off right now.

But I think I was meant to be here.  There are students and parents who value me very much.  I truly believe I am doing good here.  I want to continue here, at least until my girlfriend graduates and we find a place where we can both work.  It is hard to know how we will do that just yet, but I have a job here until I decide to leave.  From there, I can try to get a job wherever she is.

This is tough.  It is so hard to keep my emotions in check.  I’m not exactly known for that anyways.

I just want to live.  I want to start a family with my girlfriend.  I want to continue fixing my family name and sending a new life into the world and putting them ahead.  It is my only real desire anymore.

Pardon the somber tone, Matthew.  Things are just a little tough right now.


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