November 16, 2015
If the news hasn’t made its way to you yet, my mother has Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. She’s in a lot of pain and feels terrible most of the time. It’s all so sudden, too. She only received the news a few weeks ago.
On one hand, I am thankful for the ability to patch things up with her. I do not agree with most of the decisions she made, and I am still very bitter about how I never really had a family. Suffice to say this is a lot to process.
She’s basically taking chemotherapy so she can see me and my girlfriend before she passes. That’s such a hard pill to swallow. It bothers me for so many reasons.
I will be going back to see her soon. Just like my last visit, knowing that it will most likely be the last time I see her, just like I knew it would be the last time I saw my stepfather… it hurts so much.
I’m a mess right now. I’ve been a cunt to just about everyone at work. I beg a little bit of understanding that my emotions are a little off right now.
But I think I was meant to be here. There are students and parents who value me very much. I truly believe I am doing good here. I want to continue here, at least until my girlfriend graduates and we find a place where we can both work. It is hard to know how we will do that just yet, but I have a job here until I decide to leave. From there, I can try to get a job wherever she is.
This is tough. It is so hard to keep my emotions in check. I’m not exactly known for that anyways.
I just want to live. I want to start a family with my girlfriend. I want to continue fixing my family name and sending a new life into the world and putting them ahead. It is my only real desire anymore.
Pardon the somber tone, Matthew. Things are just a little tough right now.