july 7, 2012


here is what one day is like with my roommate.  these are all of the weird, gross, or stupid things that he did today (that i observed).

1.)  mopped the kitchen floor without sweeping, effectively playing hockey with culinary waste and overflow.

2.)  woke me up twice as i was resting during the day:  once to tell me that his girlfriend was bringing over cookies, and the next to tell me that she wasn’t bringing over cookies.

3.)  made baked chicken and dumped the grease into the trash can.

4.)  i was sitting in the common area with he and his girlfriend and he committed two socially repulsive acts in a very brief period of time.  he has a terrible habit of picking his ears, examining his finger, and wiping it on his pants, but this time he also began vigorously scratching his crotch.  this was the kind of scratching that is to be done in private.  i called him out on both acts as well.  he really needs to stop being so fucking gross.

5.)  he and his girlfriend made brownies and he took the pan out of the oven and put it into the refrigerator.

6.)  microwaved some mysterious oil and stunk up the whole house.

now, matthew, i will be straightforward and say that this was an atypical day for two reasons.  first, i am never normally around him for as long as i was today.  second, when i do have to be around him, i like to not directly observe what he does.  i don’t care who you are; if you are a moderately responsible adult, moderately hygienic, and of moderate intelligence, there is no way you should be doing two-thirds of the things my roommate does on a regular basis.  it is far too easy to spot the backwards, poorly planned, and oft-reactionary habits that he has.

face it.  all but the greatest of simpletons should have learned by now that cooking grease requires a little more care in its disposal that tipping a still-warm pan into the trash receptacle.


i was feeling particularly tolerant this day, or perhaps just curious, so i decided to observe what a day was like for him and how he got from “point a” to “point b” with simple household and personal decisions.  i often find strange messes and miniature disaster scenes around the house, so now i have a pretty good idea why the house is never really clean (also why women will never talk to me when he is around).

i have realized something.  he was probably a little more coordinated, a little more fit, and a little more decisive before his military career, but the grossness was already there.  i think that somehow he never figured out what not to do… as a human, as a male, as a man of reason and understanding.

i don’t hate him.  i will never again say that i do.  he is a very sincere person.  he is a very generous person.  but the man only gets so much of my time because  he is a wall of social stink that repels even the bravest individuals, including me.

i try to teach him how to live normally… maybe not normally, but in a manner that is organized, a manner that doesn’t cause him to stumble so easily over himself.  it becomes difficult to observe, i assure you.

yet all of these actions are bereft of malice.   he is just a simple, dumb bastard.  he is not mean.  he is not evil.  he has a generous spirit and a respectable moral compass (given his intellect).  but he has very gross habits, from picking his ears to watching ten hours of anime in a day.  i think he is completely lost in a closet of reality that he has created.

so how does one find reason to bear anger?

i cannot.  i reserve the right to be repulsed, even to remark when he commits a more vulgar act, but i cannot fault him and i cannot hold a grudge.  at the end of the day, at least the weird son of a bitch has the courage to be himself.


iron paul

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