December 11, 2006


I have come to the conclusion today that I need a girlfriend with money. The past two months I have spent in school without having a job have been great, and I am not very excited about having to work while I am in school and trying to write a book. I figure a nice older girlfriend with money would straighten that right out. A girl who believes in my madness and will let me stay and home and do my writing without giving me any grief about “chasing a dream” or “putting food on the table.”

After much consideration, I have determined that your aunt Katie is the perfect girl for me. She is older, more mature and already established, and I’m pretty sure that she is about ready to have a younger boyfriend with artistic hopes and dreams. I think that is where we will hit it off. She is an artist, too, so I know she will be able to relate to the time and space that is required for a person to create.

We would have the perfect relationship, Katie and I. The kids have already moved out, she lives nice and close to Atlanta, my favorite city, and she already has her own thing going for her. All I would basically be doing is writing me into her script. We could spend time together when time allowed, and we would probably enjoy it a whole lot more. Not to mention I know she loves too cook. I would let her cook for me any time she wanted to, and I would pat my belly and belch thankfully every time she did it. Don’t ever take a girl who cooks for granted, Matthew. They’re a dying breed. Your aunt Katie is one of the good ones.

Plus, wouldn’t it be cool if I married into your family and became your uncle? I would actually be doing you a favor. I know you hate your little family gatherings, and if I married your aunt Katie, you wouldn’t cringe anymore when you had to go to them. You would just be thinking to yourself, “man, at least uncle Pete is going to be there.”

So here’s what I need from you. When you get a chance, send me her number. In the mean time, I’d like you to give her a call and let her know that it’s about time she started thinking about her future. Let her know that younger guys are where it’s at, and let her know that you have the perfect one picked out for her. And if she asks “is it Pete,” you tell her YES, and tell her why.

Your homeboy,


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